Heathen Wars

I admit it. I am a sinner. I am a spiteful, conniving little brat with a chip on her shoulder. I sit around for hours, plotting how I will get my revenge on those who have wronged me, so if you have ideas, it would behoove you to turn around and run.

If you believe ALL of that, I have a really nice, shiny bridge over here, dirt cheap!

I am a bad girl at heart. I guess we all are, if we’re honest, but I readily admit trying to make sure I was in the right place to see that certain stalkee person, and have even considered renting myself out as a hoochie for the weekend. Booty call, baybee. Yeah, cutie. I’m lookin’ at you…*wink wink*  OH. Um. Ahem. Sorry.

Tonight I held my tongue. I know, I KNOW… you don’t believe me, but trust me. There’s a chick walkin’ around tonight with all her blood on the inside because I kept my mouth shut. I wanted to cut out her tongue and impale it on a pointy stick (sharp for sharp, see?) and put it in my front yard as a warning to the natives. Later, I would dance around it naked and shoo off the flies, then leave it as an offering to the possum living in my barn. BUT! I kept the peace! Really!

See, I am taking a Sunday off from my church job – you know, the one where I don’t get paid, but I am adored. And Stuff. It just so happens that I am DOING that because our Big Cheese Music Leader will also be out of town: it is a pain in the tush when he’s not there, what with me being such a people person and all. You know.  So, I decided to be gone for the weekend, and will most likely attend The Church of the Holy Sealy.

Anyway, when I wouldn’t tell Chick where I was going, she said, “OH. IIIII know what it is.” I said, “What?” “One is out of town, the other is out… you don’t enjoy it when he’s not here…” Grrr. I informed her that I had NEVER done that (I haven’t, even though I wanted to), that I was ALWAYS here when he was gone unless we were both out on school trips. She shut up after that, because, well, she lives in a gigundous glass house.

I was miffed, not only at being so transparent in motive, but that she dared to try to make me feel guilty. She and her guitar-playing hubby left me alone most of the summer while they were off vacationing, with nary a concern for the services. She wouldn’t know how often I’ve carried the load ‘cuz she hasn’t been there to see it. If she had a 10-pack of “get out of practice/church free cards” for stupid things like being tired, she would be out of them by February. Her hubby is in the same boat with his kid’s little league games. We never know if they are gonna show up or not – they don’t bother to call, so for her to have that kinda nerve… well… you can tell. 

Now, before you get all wadded up over my apparent judgment of Chick and Hubby, please refer to sentence 2 of this post. THAT one is complete truth. It just jacks me up when somebody’s freakin’ eye-plank tries to knock me off my toadstool. Yes. YOU, C&H, are the reason I will not be in my church this weekend. I cannot stand YOU.

Now, God, I know this is a willful thing here. I have no defense. I freely admit wanting to smack the living crap outta one of Your kids, and I can only hope I will repent at some point.

That point is NOT going to be tonight.

So. There is no pike in my yard, no speared tongue-of-“insert title here,” because I just let it go – right onto your screen, I’m afraid, but that’s really why you read me anyway, isn’t it?

Tune in later for another installment of “Fun With Conflict Resolution. ” I am gonna have a huge dose of humble pie and take a nap.

Want a bite?