Things I Didn’t Say, Retro Version

“Unless sperm have figured out a way to travel through a pair of jeans, hop across a table and crawl up my pants leg into my very inhospitable lady parts, you may NOT run a pregnancy test.”

Every now and then I am the Zinger Queen. There was a time when my friends asked me to always warn them when I was gonna say something, so they could be sure not to have a mouth full of food or drink. It’s hard not to choke when you’re caught off guard with a one-liner, apparently. I still have the skills, but much less opportunity to practice them these days. Besides, how would anybody know the pain and angst of my poor, pitiful existence if I am having fun, right?

Sometimes the zinger doesn’t come when it is most necessary. For instance, when my doctor gave his med student cagey glances at my assertions that I was not in any danger of being pregnant during an emergency visit. That was a few years ago. I got a bill 2 months later for a pregnancy test, threatening collection if I didn’t pay up. When I finally dug out the receipt, long after I sent the check with curses uttered into the stamps, I saw that the clerk had misread the doc’s scribble. I didn’t fight it, although I should have let them know. I’m a big, fat wuss, except when it comes to telling this same doctor a couple of days ago that I absolutely would not be spending any more money on lab work. Then I rolled up my sleeve and wrote the check. Harumph. Wuss.

“I said ‘put her in her place,’ and I MEANT ‘put her in her place.’ Actually, I meant put YOU in YOUR place, because you were SO WRONG, right couldn’t find you if you had a red blinker stuck on your butt.”

That was a conversation with someone who attacked me a few months ago and now thinks we’re friends again. We are acquaintances, and the only reason she wasn’t sent home crying with truth ringing in her ears is because I had mercy on her. I have been chastised for not forgetting and making amends, but I feel like she’s fine, and I am content to let her live in her delusion. I don’t want to put myself in a situation where her smart mouth might encourage me to finally let her in on what I know. It’s best for her if I keep my distance.

Cuz, see, I am a shrew. Heh.

“I didn’t come over the other night because you gave me 15 minutes’ notice. You can’t just remember me at the last second and expect me to come running, even though telling you no is harder than closing my door to a stray cat.”

That one was totally selfish. I should have gone, but honestly, it was disrespectful. Their plans had been made for several days, and I knew it. It was obviously not that important to them to let me know earlier. My stupid feelings… it’s always about me. And yes, I AM 12, thankyouverymuch.

“Dayum, you look good in those jeans. Could I violate you in a non-seductive way?”

Um… I think that one speaks for itself, kids.

Heh.