Memoirs

I was sitting here, minding my own business, checking my email, when I got my butt tagged. Flea stole a meme (you’ll have to go look to see from whom), and she just up and tagged me. Well. Harumph. Actually, I’m quite flattered that anybody’d be interested in what I have to say. I feign harumphness.

The challenge is to write my memoir in 6 words. I took Flea’s word for the true definition of a memoir and skipped straight to the thinking part, after opening the windows to vent the smoke that was bound to pour out of my ears. My first effort:

Life licked, and I licked back.

Hmm. Funny. Not bad, but kind of wet, and it’s really more what I HOPE will be rather than what IS.  At the moment, the most I’ve done is follow everyone else’s thoughts of what my life should be.  My mother demanded  that I stay an education major in college because it was safe and reliable.  That is true if you are a mindless drone a really good follower who doesn’t stand up for herself against morons question authority.

Sorry. Bitter, much? Anyway, my next thought was a little more appropriate, because it said more of my opinion of life in general.

Life bit, and I bit back.

Still with the not-so-much true as wishful, tho. Life bites, but I still haven’t taken charge and snagged my own bite in return. I started thinking less in terms of a complete sentence and more along the lines of 6 words… just… words… that tell my story, both now and for the future I hope will be, and I found them.

My memoir.

Loved hard, lost much, gained more.

Perfect.

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Fill(er) Up

**(Note: I have edited this thing 5 times now to fix the spacing. WP is being all mean and stuff today, apparently, so be nice to me, and forgive. It’s because of #29, I’m sure. :D)

I saw this on Flea’s blog and swiped it. I love Flea: totally go check her out. This list looked fun, so here goes. Feel free to swipe it yourself.

1. If your doctor told you TODAY that you were pregnant, what would you say?
AHAHAHAHAHA!!! Seriously, dude. Jesus ain’t comin’ back that way again.

2. When was the last time you flew in a plane?
2000, when I visited a pal in NYC. Worst trip of my life, for what it was.

3. What did the last text message you sent say?
Thanks! Merry Christmas to you, too!

4. What features do you find most attractive in the preferred sex?
Strong hands and hazel eyes. Oh, and breathing is always nice.

5. What is a goal you would like to accomplish in the near future?
Um, getting my tuchus off the sofa to ride my bike on a regular basis!

6. Shoe size?
8EW. 10M.

7. Been to Mexico?
No. Lord, no. NO.

8. When is the last time you had a massage?
A REAL one? Four years ago, maybe 5. UNofficially, as in not paid but given by a pal, two years ago. And get yer mind outta the gutter. It was JUST a shoulder rub. Dangit.

9. What was the last TV show you watched? Will and Grace. I am addicted to tv, Lord help me. (Not really, Lord. Did I mention I’m addicted?)

10. What are your plans for the weekend?
Housework, sleep, rearrange the bedroom. Banish a few dust mites to hell.

11. If your significant other asked you to marry them TODAY what would you say?
Get the divorce first. 🙂

12. What is in the back seat of your car right now?
I LOVE this question. I think there are shreds of a Bush campaign banner back there, along with wrapping paper and accessories, a 12-pack of tp, a shirt (leopard print), duct tape, trailer signal lights, wire, staff paper, a phone book, a sleeping bag, a box of ziplocs, foam pipe wrap, paper towels, and a mic stand boom attachment. Can’t leave out the packing tape and the laminated poster from a 1978 MAD magazine. I’m sure that’s the short list.

13. What were you doing at 8 am this morning?
Sitting on the toilet, waiting for the kitten to finish breakfast. She has special food, so I separate her from the others for meals. Totally not related to the “mole nursing” thing.

14. If you could marry any celebrity today who would it be?
George Clooney, without question. MMMMMMmmmmmmmm. Tease me, baby. Ahem.

15. Have you ever been to a strip club?
No. Ew.

16. What is the best ice cream flavor?
I…I…I have to choose??

17. What is the last sporting event you watched?
The college football national championship game.

18. Ever go camping?
Yeah, but not for real. In an airstream, years ago. Not doin’ the tent thing, cuz I am tasty, and go well with berries.

19. Last phone call?
A parent cancelling a piano lesson for tomorrow. Geez. My life is dull…!

20. Are you allergic to anything?
Cats, which doesn’t explain the 11 currently sharing my digs. I am also allergic to work, light, stupid people, and some unnamed pollen that has me conquered at the moment.

21. What is one thing you have learned about life recently?
It’s really, rilly short, and I haven’t learned to live it yet.

22. What do you do at work?
I teach piano and play for weddings and such.

23. What is your mom’s name?
Joyce. She was named Tempie Joyce after her mother, but she hated Tempie so much, she had it legally dropped when she grew up.

24. Ever cried for no reason?
Every day, as a rule. It would be easier to count the times I HAD a reason.

25. Can you do the Crank Dat dance?
The what? (When I first read that, and for the next three times I read it, I saw “Crack Cat.” WTH??)

26. What is your favorite color to wear?
Blue! I look great in blue.

27. What is the longest plane ride you have ever been on?
JFK to Belgrade, Yugoslavia, before it split.

28. What is the longest road trip you have ever taken?
Driving: Rome, GA to New Orleans to see an opera. On a bus with a group: a 2-week tour from Jax, FL to Illinois, Indiana, Michigan, and into Canada.

29. What are your turn-offs?
Smacking gum, drooping pants, bad grammar, and BO. Seriously. Shower, dude. Oh! Pit hair!!! Why is that a good thing on men?? ICK.

30. What was your last alcoholic beverage?
I think a rum and coke, or maybe Bailey’s and ice cream. I honestly can’t remember.

31. What are you craving right now?
Three more hours’ sleep, a back rub, and a tall glass of really good sweet iced tea.
OK. I think I am now officially the most boring human walking. Think you’re more interesting? I wouldn’t doubt it, but you hafta show me. Tag!

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Oh, My…

Your Score: Loser- INTP

6% Extraversion, 73% Intuition, 53% Thinking, 20% Judging

Talked to another human being lately? I’m serious. You value knowledge above ALL else. You love new ideas, and become very excited over abstractions and theories. The fact that nobody else cares still hasn’t become apparent to you…

Nerd’s a great word to describe you, and I seriously couldn’t care less about the different definitions of the word and why you’re actually more of a geek than a nerd. Don’t pretend you weren’t thinking that. You want every single miniscule fact and theory to be presented correctly.

Critical? Sarcastic? Cynical? Pessimistic? Just a few words to describe you when you’re at your very best…*cough* Sorry, I mean worst. Picking up the dudes or dudettes isn’t something you find easy, but don’t worry too much about it. You can blame it on your personality type now.

On top of all this, you’re shy. Nice one, wench. No wonder you’re on OKCupid!
Now, quickly go and delete everything about “theoretical questions” from your profile page. As long as nobody tries to start a conversation with you, just MAYBE you’ll now have a chance of picking up a date. But don’t get your hopes up.

I am interested though. If a tree fell over in a forest, would it really make a sound?

*****************

Link: The Brutally Honest Personality Test written by UltimateMaster on OkCupid Free Online Dating, home of the The Dating Persona Test

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Meme’s the Word

I love these stupid things. I am just egocentric enough that I love blabbing my innermost secrets to total strangers. By the way, I’ve been in absentia for a few days. Didja miss me? No? Well, then. FINE.

OK, 5 more things you might not know about me.

1. I ran in the mass calf-catching contest for kids at a local rodeo when I was about 8. I missed. My mom still let me ride home on the inside of the car, which was really nice of her, considering. The seats were vinyl, so I guess she thought it wouldn’t hurt them. Minus 20 if I have to tell you what “it” was.

2. I saw a plane crash, sorta. It flew overhead with no engines, and then I saw the church it had landed in engulfed in flames. Knowing there was a little boy and his dad in there and nobody could get them out was gruesome.

3. I used to think Burt Reynolds was hot, and would get all misty-eyed whenever I heard the song, “The Bandit.” I still know all the words.

4. My mother went on a date with Robert Kennedy. No, that’s not really about me, but it’s cool trivia, doncha think? I WAS with her, technically…

5. I used to think every plane that went over my house was headed for the Bermuda Triangle and certain death. I was obsessed with the Triangle, and was convinced I would figure out the answer to the mystery when I grew up. I believe I was the first human ever to come up with the “giant underwater magnet” theory. Yeah. ALLLL mine.

Finally, for Love Thursday, I would have liked to offer something besides cats and such, what with my current life theme being “Cupid Must Die. Bury Him With Romeo.” I was gonna take a pic of my modem all lit up, because I just spent 5 days with bronchitis, fevers, and no internet. Three green lights are a sweet, sweet sight after 30 episodes of MacGyver.  I also tried to fix up the pic of the gift the kitties brought in, but it was just too gruesome to deal with. Besides, I couldn’t find a cut-out of a speedo to give it that special touch of dignity.

So, dear readers, you are left with only the knowledge that I missed you. In between the hacking, the kashi dirt-flavored granola bars, and the diet V-8, you were all I could think about.

It’s good to be back.

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You are The Wheel of Fortune

Good fortune and happiness but sometimes a species of
intoxication with success

The Wheel of Fortune is all about big things, luck, change, fortune. Almost always good fortune. You are lucky in all things that you do and happy with the things that come to you. Be careful that success does not go to your head however. Sometimes luck can change.

What Tarot Card are You?
Take the Test to Find Out.

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Letting Go

First, I know it’s pretty much DONE already, but I want to do the the Five Things meme. Maybe more than once.

And yes, I told you I reserve the right to resurrection. Shut up.

Five things in my truck:

1. Fireworks. Since July. It’s almost October.
2. A huge roll of plastic sheeting.
3. A power drill. Still.
4. Matches. Unrelated to #1.
5. A rubbermaid box full of fast-food napkins.

Five unusual things in my living room

1. A jar of peanut butter
2. Several bottles of weed and insect killer
3. 2 pair of roller skates. Two. Not one.
4. A can of Plasti-Dip retrieved from church boy.
5. Another power drill, masonry-certified

The rest of the blog.

Yesterday someone at church said something that put her nose squarely where it didn’t need to be: in my business. She had no clue she had done it, and there was a moment in the conversation where I just decided to agree with her to get her to shut up. When I said, “OK,” she walked away happy. I, however, was not. How dare she treat me like a freak? How dare she question me? Then I went home, and stewed for just a little while. Then? I pretty much let it go.

The thing is, I have idiosyncrasies. Who doesn’t? But if you as a member of the general population are not interested in finding out why mine exist, then you do NOT have the right to call me on them in order to make me feel… well… ANYthing. Guilt, anger, an obligation to bow to your will … whatever. If there is one thing I have learned in the past two years, it is that I am not the only f’ed up human walking around pretending sanity. Thing two is directly related to thing one: the world does not have the right to define my worth. The idiots who say I’m a freak need a hand mirror, and I have finally learned to appreciate who I am. I LIKE who I am. I am still frustrated by those of you out there who don’t recognize my wonderfulness, continuing to put me into a category that cannot possibly hope to define me.  I am also still frustrated that I can’t just be happy about what I have, instead of whining about the one thing I think would make me Happygirl if only, oh, if ONLY I could HAVE it.

Yeah. It’s like that.

I hate my body, but watching my friends lose and gain the same 10, 20, 40, 60 pounds over and over, I don’t regret that mocha moolatte I had last week. 

There’s one more thing I don’t get. Why do people absolutely refuse to honor simple requests? Yeah, I know that’s cryptic. Here’s the thing. There are a few acts that really just HURT me to the core, because they exploit my fears and insecurities. I seriously seldom ask much of people, other than an ear, but I do ask that the people who say they love me remember the three or four things that cause me grief. You can bet that if you tell me how much something bothers you, I will usually make sure I never do it again. I just ask the same courtesy, but apparently, I am speaking dingo. I would have an easier time getting my cats to fetch rawhide chews than I would have getting my friends to stop showing me pictures of myself. One of my “friends” knew this particular issue, and yet went out of her way to create a public slideshow for my viewing pleasure.

Honestly. Why will NO ONE LISTEN to me?? I finally asked one person who had just snapped my pic and shoved the camera at me, “why do you persist…?” and he looked at me with pain in his eyes. I realized then that he didn’t want to hurt me… normal people LIKE to look at themselves, and he forgot I am decidedly not normal. That made it a compliment rather than a blatant slam, and I resolved to let it go. If he wants to take my picture, fine. He regularly sees me as I am in the camera and still wants my company, so who am I to be insulted, eh? Still. Everybody else? Pay attention. No more passes.

Ok, thusly resurrected, the blog sighs with exhaustion. The dead take a bit to remember the whole breathing thing, you know.

Thanks for listening. Reading. Whatever.

-Me, having a good night for a change

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Love Thursday

I would LOVE (get it? love?) to post a picture for Love Thursday. I could scour the net and find one, but it wouldn’t be mine. I got odd looks from people who saw the last one before I edited it to just be the kitties, so I won’t post other people’s pics again, even if they are friends. I do, however, have this, with aplogies for the quality:

Christmas morning with my daddy, circa 1969. Maybe ’70.

He loved me, then…

-me

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The Tuesday Ten (Yes, I made it up.)

I am starting a Tuesday Ten, cuz I really want to do the Thursday 13, but it’s Tuesday. See how that works? Early would be lame. Slightly revamping a meme for my own purposes is…well…still lame, but not as much. So.

Ten Reasons I choose not to smack the holy crap out of some people.

1. Karma. Usually if I so much as speak something bad, I come home to animal parts in my kitchen. I choose not to tempt fate if at all possible, ‘specially after the goat incident.

2. That uncomfortable stinging sensation in my hand.

3. I am an addictive personality, and I might LIKE IT.

4. The socially retarded need therapy, not violence.

5. See #4. Over. And OVER.

6. No matter how much they NEED it, it will never get through to them why I did it. Trust me. Some people can NOT take a hint.

7. They might rub off on me.

8. The adrenalin rush makes me dizzy.

9. I don’t particularly want to be some Big Mama’s bi-otch in the slammer.

10. The voices in my head keep telling me, “No.”

Thursday, ho!!!

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Oh, dear LORD.

Ten Top Trivia Tips about Zoe!

1. The first Zoe was made in 1853, and had no pedals.
2. Zoe can’t drink – she absorbs water from her surroundings by osmosis.
3. The only planet that rotates on its side is Zoe!
4. It’s bad luck for a flag to touch Zoe.
5. Zoe is the oldest playable musical instrument in the world.
6. It takes more than 500 peanuts to make Zoe.
7. It can take Zoe several days to move just through one tree!
8. The moon is 400 times closer to the Earth than Zoe, and 400 times smaller!
9. People used to believe that dressing their male children as Zoe would protect them from evil spirits.
10. Zoe has three eyelids!

I got this from Shari. It made a cute little box with a form on HER page. I am so jealous.:D

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5 things

I saw this on a blog, and thought, “easy post.” So here.

5 things in my closet: 50-yr-old mink-trimmed wool coat, several pairs of insulated drapes, a 1995 “Belkie Bear,” an opened card table, an egg-carton mattress pad thingy, still in the plastic

5 things in my fridge: an empty squeeze-mayo bottle, half of a watermelon, part of a dozen eggs that expired in March, an unopened jar of home-canned jelly, circa 1993, a 3-yr-old bag of shelled pecans

5 things in my car: Easier to name 5 that AREN’T in it, but: power drill, package of Wet Ones (handi-wipes), disposable razors, Bible, four chargers/power cords for various phones and gadgets

5 things in my purse: 2 types of painkillers, a mini multi tool, business cards, BrushUps, pda

I added:

5 things on my kitchen table: a cat, a sewing maching, two pair of unhemmed pants, Christmas wrapping paper, coffee mug full of unsharpened pencils

5 things on my front porch: 13″ b/w tv, SlamMan, a mini fridge, hedge trimmers, 6′ ladder

5 things on my BACK porch: 2 doghouses, empty fish tank, garden tiller, dinner bell/triangle, a Cherokee grinding rock.

Enough?

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