Some posts need to be written immediately, and others need to simmer in their own juices to be fully flavored. The problem with simmering is that I have completely forgotten every single thing I was gonna write. You know, cuz I’m retarded like that. Today’s post is gonna be a bunch of brain farts, since I’m too lazy and busy wallowing in the joy that IS my life to write them separately. If ya get tired reading, come back later and finish. I won’t know. Heck, bring a friend if you want, and read it together. OK. Off we go.
***
They’re small, you think. They are sooo good, and they’re small. Just one. More. Besides, they’re SMALL. Fifteen minutes later, you have eaten an entire 3 oz bag of sugar free candy. DO NOT LAUGH AT THE 3 OZ. This is one of those lessons I just never seem to learn. That 3 oz seems so insignificant, but dear LORD, let me WARN you NOW. Just…DON’T. I woke up at 3am doubled over in pain, and when I rolled over, the only thing I could do was…well… “let it out.” I’m sure the USGS registered it. I can sometimes blame it on the cats, but for them? This would have been an entire colon’s worth of air. Over. And Over. And? OVER. For 6 HOURS. I was still walking around rattling windows when I got up the next morning. And yet, this afternoon? TWO bags of SF gummy bears. I am SOOOO gonna pay, and it was SOOOOO worth it.
Times like this make me glad I’m single. So much easier than being polite.
***
I have had some bih-ZARRE dreams the last few days. This afternoon I took a nap (mistake) and dreamed I moved into a new apartment. When I finally went upstairs 3 days later, I found a cat’s paradise: toys, furniture, piles of soft towels and beds and stuff. I also had a 6-week-old kitten jump on my shoulder. There were 6 total, just left there. Added to the 12 I already have, that’s…um…that’s…a LOT of CAT. About that time, my (dead) mother came to visit. She walked around and we discovered the house had another half to it, a demolished half that had broken windows and no floors and seemed to open directly onto a street full of drifters and every seedy human-type person you can imagine. She went OFF. I reminded her that I am not exactly rolling in cash, and that SHE hadn’t offered to let me stay with HER. “DON’T YOU THINK I AM BEATING MYSELF UP FOR THAT?!?” she sweetly screamed at the top o’ her lungs. Hah. Good times, those afternoon naps!
The ones I had last night made me want to get up and call someone. Srsly.
I was falling asleep and felt very threatened. There was something in the room with me, and it was hard to wake up. Fast forward to the next few minutes, when I was almost asleep again. I heard my bedroom door click, and I thought, “NO. Please, NO.” The room got thick, and I tried to scream, but the room just absorbed the sound, as it absorbed the tiny bit of light coming thru the window. My voice was gone. Then something vaguely human, bald, climbed on top of me – I was paralyzed, unable to get free. It was transparent the way heat is as it floats on a highway in summer, but it was heavy… physical, and menacing. I whispered, “Get thee behind me, in the name of Jesus. Get OFF me, in the name of Jesus,” and forced my way out of the thickness of the air, the paralysis, into consciousness.
Whether or not it truly was an attack, I dunno. I know the brain does the paralysis thing in the early stages of sleep, so don’t bother telling me that. The fact that my mind recognized it as demonic makes me wonder. I admit, I did think “so this is what people think is an alien abduction,” the first couple of times last night. I even mentally chastised myself later for not letting them take me, cuz I want ’em to take me some night while I’m driving somewhere and bring me back thin. SRSLY. Wouldn’t that be cool?? To go to bed fat and wake up a NORMAL?? Wow. I haven’t been a normal since I was three. I keep wishing, but the second and third people living in my skin are still here, and there are no odd triangular marks on my neck. Dangit.
The third one was different. THAT one scared me. I truly thought I was done for when I couldn’t scream.
Gyah. Not funny, I know! Sorry ’bout that, but sheesh. I’ve had the oppressive dream thing before, so I knew what it was, but I have never seen what was coming for me. THAT was new, and when I kept DREAMING it, it freaked me out a bit. I really started to just get up and reset my brain. Reboot. Scroll. But luckily, I fell asleep and dreamed something harmless after the third episode.
Whew. Srsly.
***
I boarded Ivy for the chorus trip I had to take last weekend. I left the other 11 to fend for themselves, but after finding Lily lying on Ivy’s head one morning so she couldn’t breathe, I decided she needed a little more consideration. She meows now. Go figure. Two days in a cage, and she decides to talk. Kittens are so easy. They’d never make it as international spies.
When I got her home, you’d have thought she’d been at Leavenworth for a year. She stopped to sniff the front door, then the sofa, the floor in the dining room, the chair legs, the door frames, the water bowl, everything. She was so happy to be home she couldn’t stand herself, little tail straight up and wiggling the whole time. Next time I have to be gone overnight she’ll be big enough to stay home, but if she weren’t, I’d find a human to take care of her instead. My vets are marvelous, and they loved having her cuz she’s the poster child for terminal cuteness, but she was changed by the experience. I guess that’s what life does, but I DO NOT WANT. Maybe what I DO want is to open a boarding facility of my own. Hmm. Now to win the lottery so that can happen…
***
Dang. Never, EVER buy multiple bags of sugar free jelly beans. They’re so SMALL, see, and so HARD to reSIST.
Run, kitties. Run for your lives.
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