Forgive My Pride

I am addicted to the lols. Sorry. 😀 Cyndi gets credit for the turkey conversation.

Vote if you will! Thanks!

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Another Day, Another Finger Prick

I am sorry for being a sporatic blogger lately, but there’s a limit to what I am willing to put here about myself. I know. I am the woman who posted about feeling up her cat. Shut up. I just don’t wanne be bringin’ da homeys down, you know? Gots tuh keep up my happy image an’ all dat.

I was out mowing a couple of days ago, just about sundown, when the neighbor’s turkeys went in to roost. Did I mention that my trees are their fav spot evah? I was making my rounds, and all I could think was, “Get out from under the turkeys. Get out from under the TURKEYS.” Nothin’ like having a good hair day ruined in a most unseemly manner. My kindergarten teacher got popped in the head at the zoo on a field trip (1971). Even the 5-yr-olds were grossed out, and the image of white poo in her hair has obviously never left me.  

The children haven’t brought in a single corpse lately. I did come home one day to find Lily squatting on the SOFA, obviously engrossed (see how I did that? The foreshadowing?) in something. It was a mouse head, the only part she hadn’t already …well… you know. I took it away, but honestly. The sofa? Am I that bad a parent that she doesn’t know where the dinner table is? Criminy. I gotta step it up.

I now have a pregnant mama with two barely-weaned kittens, a mama and one kitten, a bengal mix, a tuxedo tom, and my own 5 kids hanging out in my digs. I THINK that’s all, but who knows?  I am seriously thinking of camping in the yard for the winter and letting them have the house. I am tired of the fighting and the marking and the knocking over of my stacks of stuff. Cuz, I keep a neat place. Ahem.

So. Anybody need a cat? Not that I could catch any of them except my own, and the kids would be highly offended if I gave them away. The local animal shelter kills 200 animals a month. That breaks my heart. I’d take them all if I could. 

Spay and neuter, people. They don’t need their parts. I promise.

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The One Where I’m Naked

Today I stood in front of my webcam, naked, and gave Ed a run for his money. It was not a pleasant adventure. In fact, if he had seen me, Ed of the Skinny Dippers might have gone right out and bought a suit. I suppose you are wondering why I would do such a stupid, STUPID thing, aren’t you. You know you are. Go on, guess. What’s that? Mail Order Bride Quarterly? *shudder* Praise be, no.

Actually, I take an online class in choral conducting, and I was making sure the camera was far enough away to get more than my left boob in the frame. By the time I was done, the camera was safely perched on my neighbor’s car across the street, but I was in that picture, dangit. Took a little extra cable to get it over the power lines, but it was TOTALLY worth it.

As for the naked part (notice I didn’t say “nekkid,” which would imply I was up to something interesting. I have never been nekkid. OK, that one time in the church parking lot when I was 12 – shhhh), I have no one to frighten or impress, and the cats couldn’t care less. I like to be cool and the “girls” like to be free. They are currently making a run for the southern border, and darned if they aren’t gonna make it before I’m 45. I’ll be able to glue pasties on and mop the floor pretty soon. That’s a discussion for another day, tho. Or not, if you’re lucky.

For the record? Naked means “in my BVD’s,” not my birthday suit. Entirely naked would be just…ew. BIG EW. Now – I dare you to sleep tonight. Heh.

Last night I was sitting at the computer, as I have done every night for the last 8 years, and I felt a muscle twitch in my leg. It felt like a tiny little headbutt, except there was nothing there. SILLY ME. THINKING I WAS ALONE. It continued until I finally put my hand in the right place. Shut UP. You people are just wicked tonight. Anyway, it turned out to be a mouse that had climbed up under the cover I had on the sofa. It really WAS headbutting me, trying to get further up between the cushions. After I caught him and put him outside, I imagined him running back to his life coach. A conversation I had with Cyndi the other night says it perfectly, but I have to start before the head butting to give you the whole picture. The cats…the CATS started this, by dropping the thing and letting it escape.

Zoe: still have mouse…
Zoe : I think it’s under a recliner today. all last night it was under the entertainment center.
Cyndi: OMG…stupid thing. You would think they’d have a training session somewhere near you.
Zoe: **SNORT** THAT is a great idea! I should put up signs…
Zoe: “Death avoidance for amateurs.”
Zoe: although, this one’s doing pretty darned well at that for now…
Cyndi: “OK, this house? Here? *pointing to a map* LOTS of cats. Steer clear of there. Under no circumstances…just stay away. The lady will try to save you, but it’s a crap shoot…”

I have such FUNNY friends.

Zoe: I grabbed him.
Zoe: Gotta put him out…he looks kinda relieved.
Cyndi: OMG, Zoe…I would be in a constant state of faint.
Cyndi: *snort*
Zoe: He’ll go back to the professor..”I made it!! I got caught, but I got away… and I made it to the lady! She rescued me!”
Cyndi: Extra points for finding the lady before the cats find you…

Cyndi keeps telling me I should write a book. This happens a LOT:

Zoe: I? have a mouse under my feet.
Cyndi: Live, or…?
Zoe: I know this because Tess is squatting by my leg, looking intensely at the sofa, and Boo is circling like a vulture.
Zoe: oh, quite.
Cyndi: Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhh…
Cyndi:Man…you really need to write a book.
Zoe: They are waiting for it to show itself.
Zoe: I swear.
Zoe: I can’t wait to finish this degree so I can be creative again. I might have the next “Goodnight Moon.”
Cyndi: *SNORT*
Cyndi: Well, maybe not a children’s book…for the death…and the stuff.

And the stuff. Y’all try to close your eyes tonight, k?

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Check the Clock

Holy cow. Hey! I’m up! Against my will!! Three times I was jolted out of a dream by a blood-curdling scream. Three times I rolled over and ignored it, because my Tess is a hysterical little freak when she’s threatened. On the fourth scream, tho, I had no choice. It WAS 5am, after all, and there’s a roaming tom who comes in for meals. So. With nary a bad word on my tongue (HA!), I rolled out and checked out the living room.

Empty.

I figured I might as well make use of being up, so I headed to the potty. Yeah. It’s like that. Shut up – I’m 40, I’m entitled! Out of nowhere, two children appeared. I knew something was up then. When I finally got to the root of things, I found a large, chatty mouse hiding between some framed pics I had stacked in a corner – to let it be, or not to let it be? That was the question. It was still alive, appeared to be unhurt, so I really didn’t have much of a choice. I caught it. I released it outside, and let me tell you, the guy who said it’s darkest before the dawn wasn’t lying. Gosh. I went out on the porch half nekkid, and nobody would have been able to tell.

The kids spent the next hour looking for the darned thing, and when they finally believed me when I told them it was gone, they decided maybe batting around some of the crap on the floor would be just as entertaining. It’s amazing how much noise a piece of peppermint can make when it slams into the wall at mach 2.

Now it is after 6, and I really haven’t finished the night. In spite of lightening skies and twittering birds, I’m going back to bed.

See you in a couple of hours.

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The One With the Good Intentions

So, yeah. I got nuthin’ done today. I had grand plans of using this weekend to get ahead on my schoolwork, do a lot of reading, maybe write one of those papers I have due in a week. That? did not happen. I did manage to go out to the truck and go to town for a bit, and I discovered that my eyes…well, my pastor called me a mole once cuz I like to work in the dark. Apparently my eyes wanted me back in the cave today. If I had my druthers, I’d close every curtain and never leave the house. Summer in Georgia sucks like the open door of Hades, and is just as hot. The only tolerable months here for me are January and February. March sometimes, if it’s a harsh winter. So, yes. Z-Mole I am, ma’am.

By the way, just so you know, segues were $5 each at Wal-Mart last night, so there will be none in this post. Too pricey.

This afternoon I passed a guy selling watermelons off a trailer parked in a vacant lot. That’s pretty common here, and if it weren’t for the fact that they give me headaches (criminy, I KNOW. I am a MESS), I’d stop every time. This fella had gone to the trouble to put up a sign on the trailer, right under the watermelons.

It said, “TOMATOES.” 

Hunh. That’d make one strange jar o’ pasta sauce, I bet.

Yesterday I had a 3-foot black rat snake in my kitchen. I knew SOMEthing was under the small cabinet in the corner, because Boo kept crawling halfway under and rattling some sort of metal dish the cats had batted underneath. I’m SUCH the wondrous housekeeper. I was expecting a mouse of some sort. This thing finally came out and headed for me, and the first thing it did was strike. I knew if the cat was still alive, the thing wasn’t poisonous, but come ON. A SNAKE. In the KITCHEN. Rising up to STRIKE. AT. ME. I finally grabbed him with a dish towel and opened the window, laid him on the sill, and waited for him to crawl off into the bushes. Instead, he/she stood up, as best a snake can stand, looked around, and said, “OH. I’m not..uh..dead. How is it that I’m not dead? How nice… the sun… so warm on my dark, dry scaliness…” I interrupted him mid-soliloquy, grabbed him by the tail, and lowered him into the bushes below.

Why didn’t I kill it, you ask? Because it’s harmless to me and the children, but not to the RATS. Hence the name, RAT snake. Since my cats would rather bring the darned rats in and PLAY with them under my FEET than kill and eat them, the snakes are a great help. Breeeeeeeeed, baby slitheries. Breeeeed.

What do you do when the guy you had a mad crush on 16 years ago who told you he didn’t like you “in that way” but who now bores you to tears will NOT leave you alone?? Holy run-on sentences, batgirl! Last week he sez to me, he sez, “I want you to come over for a movie night.” Aside from the sheer horror of being in the same room with him for two or three hours, you must understand: this guy will not go to a theater or a concert with me, and the only time he EVER sat down to watch a movie with me, he talked through the whole thing. Well, at least to the point I got tired of it and left, about 30 minutes in. The only reason he wants me there for this one is to help him answer his homework about the movie in question, cuz it’s required viewing for his ed psych class. Color me giddy with expectation. Luckily, I have class crunch starting Monday, so I got out of it. He was a little disappointed, but he’ll live. Nobody’s doing my homework for ME.

Heck, the one person who could help me can’t remember to look for the single thing I’ve asked for, and I know he has it. I could go look for it myself if I were desperate enough, but it’s the principle of the thing now. I tend to bail people out when they need it, especially him, but I can’t seem to get the same respect.

I am in search of the ultimate prank, preferably something that won’t cause bodily harm or property damage, and won’t land any of the involved parties in jail. It has to be better than common dorm tricks like papering doors or koolaid in the shower heads, but not potentially heart-attack-inducing like putting firecrackers under a door at 4 am and lighting them. If you have ideas, please post them. This will be a summer-camp-type situation, but on a jr. college campus, which means I have to be careful. It will take place the last week of July, so there is time to think, if you need it. But if I have to buy special equipment, I need time for that, too. I thought about wiring an air horn under the seat of the bus the guy will be driving, so that when he sits down, it goes off.  That will probably be Stage One. A few years ago, I lifted the keys off his belt and stole the bus, but I didn’t hide it well enough. THAT would have been great, but my follow-through sucked. I clearly need help, people. The comments are open.

Finally, this. You must watch.  

OK, back to the homework.

That is all. Good day.

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Yard Birds

***humming*** I bought myself a turkey…to make some turkey soup…

I got home from Wal-Mart tonight and stepped up on my porch, only to come face to face with a HUGE lump. One of my neighbor’s birds decided to roost up front tonight, apparently. It was quite sleepy, so I left it alone. I hope it’s ok. (I did check on it a few minutes ago, and indeed, ’twas sleepy, not sick.)

That’s the second thing I came face-to-face with over the weekend: Friday night, it was a lizard, shedding, with huge sheets of skin peeling off his body. He was one inch from my nose before I saw him. So cute!

Earlier this afternoon I was confronted by a mockingbird. I think she was actually scolding Boo, who was at my feet ignoring her. She has a nest somewhere there in the front, I am sure, and she was laying down the law.

Look, I know that’s a pretty common thing, to see a bird going after a cat who’s a little too close for comfort. It was remarkable simply because this bird was three feet away from ME, on eye level in a tree, and was letting Boo and me know who the yard boss was. Kinda funny in a “Dory-becomes-krill” kind of way.  Unfortunately, one of her babies has a good shot at winding up in my dining room floor in a few weeks. I hope she keeps up the tough act long enough for them to learn to fly. 

Well, I suppose that’s it.  Until tomorrow, whenever that may be. -Me

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I am on YouTube!

Silly me, just HAD to do it. There are 2 vids there… http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EjA7J9CqJa8

Um…try to laugh, or be squicked. Either way.

😀

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BYODM (bring yer own dust mask)

June has jumped in on all fours here in the jungle. The wildlife is suffering a bit from the same lack of oxygen the humans have, since it seems half the bottom of the state is on fire. Birds are flying into windows, suffocating from the smoke, some beekeepers have lost 80% of their hives to the stuff, and the docs are seeing cases of inhaled poison ivy and blisters in patients’ lungs and throats. A friend was outside for an hour or so last week, just doing light stuff in the yard, and 4 days later he described his misery as, “having to get better to die.” That’s rough. We are in desperate need of rain. We’re actually praying for tropical storms now.

On the good side, another guy I know (yes, I know girls, too, but their stuff is not really fit to talk about. Trust me.) was supposed to have brain surgery 2 weeks ago. He got the flu, so they put it off till this week. When he arrived at the hospital, the docs decided they had been a bit hasty in telling him his BRAIN TUMOR had recurred, and told him to go home and call if he got a headache. Um, … I… umm… you know, I am not sure I’d let those guys operate on my big TOE if they can’t tell whether or not my BRAIN is GROWING NEW PARTS. I’m just sayin’. So, no surgery and no death sentence and no huge bills and no driving restrictions. Yay. Now he just needs a car.

Smoked up or not, the jungle teems with life. Yesterday the cats were staring at another wrapping paper tube, so I released the critter hiding in it. The day before that, a really mature green lizard crawled up on the window facing, then did a kewl Jedi move by letting go of three feet and slowly pivoting upside down. When he pulled out that tiny blue lightsaber, I told him he could stay. I figure he will help keep the bug population down in here, but make no mistake: if my granny were here, she’d pee her britches to get out, just knowing he’s in the room. If he finds me in the bed at 4am? I’ll do the same thing.

Today I heard some really loud scratching in the living room. Having heard the sound before, I thought, “DANG. That’s a BIG bug in a plastic bag.” Never mind how I know. Ahem. Anyway, I finally honed in on the location, and it was a little bird on the ceiling fan above my head, trying to scrape cobwebs off his beak. Never MIND how he got them, they were THERE, ok?  I had to get dressed to open the door, and then the darned thing wanted to stay. Several maneuvers and a step ladder trip or three later, he flew out. He promptly pooped, and I congratulated him on his timing.

Well, I think that’s about it….lizards, birds, smoke, *checking the list* bugs, friends…yeah. Not much else that would be interesting to tell. School, church, home, none of that’s worth talking about for now. Just same ol’, same ol’.  I will add that there is a momma turkey with three little ones that have been hangin’ out in my backyard. That is my moment of zen – such cute things, those babies. One went under the fence and mom couldn’t follow…she freaked, pacing the fence line and calling until it followed instructions and came back. Then all was well.

Pretty good closing line, if I do say so myself.

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Biological Warfare for Beginners

Dear LORD, my house stinks! Even in my sleep I registered the reeking air of decay. Holy-freakin’-cow. I want to be able to communicate to the cats just how this is their danged fault, and if their eyes are watering and full of gooey boogers, I DIDN’T DO IT.

Alas, ’tis breath wasted.

Having been presented with their umpteenth corpse in a single month, most people would say, “Enough already! You? are now BARN cats.” I not so smaht. I am sucka. I have a hard time throwing them out when they greet my truck in the yard when I come home, or snuggle up next to my leg, noses tucked under paws and whiskers twitching when I breathe. If only kitty heat could melt fat, I’d be in business.

Speaking of the little hunters, I’ve noticed a curious thing lately. They all love to drink from the tub faucet, which is nothing new or even really interesting. They’ve added a twist, though: now they wait in line. While one is drinking, another is sitting patiently behind her in the tub, another is watching from the rim, and the fourth is sitting on the rug outside. When the drinker leaves, they all move up a spot. It’s an AFV moment, for sure. Problem is, they only do it when I am.. um… “indisposed,” and the camera is NEVER handy. It’s not something I think about when going to the restroom in a hurry, ya know?

“Gotta pee gotta pee GOTTA PEEEEEEE. OO. Grab the vidcam. GOTTA PEEEEEEEE.”

Uh, NO.

Anyway, I’m off to face the day in semi-fresh air. Criminy. Today, I appreciate the smoke-filled skies, contaminated by wildfires. No rotting mouse gasses in there. COOKED mouse gasses, maybe.

Ew? And EW.

-Me

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Home Sweet Hovel

I just spent 4 days on a business trip with a local school group, and boy, was I ever glad to get home. Not that trips aren’t fun, but this one was spent mostly on my feet, and for a two-legged whale, that can be a challenge. It was a really good trip as trips go, with no one lost or sick or injured, for the most part, unless you count the kid who swallowed metal shavings that were in her Starbucks frappee-moochie–creamaccino, or whatever. There was a piece of a metal spring and some little metal pieces in there that she only noticed because they scratched her throat when she swallowed. She managed to… um… get it all out… up… without damage, though. Yay. THAT could have been serious.

It was a bad trip in terms of results – we went to a choral competition, which we…, well, it was embarassing, really. Things have changed so much in the show choir arena that they have become little Vegas shows. It’s really ridiculous. The director of our group is an old friend and colleague, and even though I don’t work with him anymore on an official basis, he introduced me as his assistant. That was cool. We make a really good team, and even though a part of me wants to let go of the work since the system let go of ME, we would both suffer for it. We really kinda need each other on some level. I think this trip has convinced him it’s time for a new career, though, so even the little bit we do work together will end at some point. By then, well, who knows? Maybe we’ll form a band and go on tour.

Anyway, this afternoon, I had my first encounter with an honest-to-goodness tick. Yeah, I know. Ick, huh? It came in on a cat, and before you spout off about putting treatments on my babies, those things require the tick to BITE them before it does any good. This one fell off first, and found my back instead. I just happened to reach back and scratch, cuz it was in a spot that falls below my bathroom mirror’s normal reach, and I wouldn’t have likely seen it. I grabbed it and pulled. Durn, and owie. In true hypochondriac form, I am wondering which disease I will get from it, which thing will put me in the hospital and wipe out my savings and make me sell my house and put me living in a friend’s basement till I slit my wrists and die anyway. Man. That’s a lotta thinkin’ for one night. I need some tea.

Later.

-Me

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